Be A Great Friend But Not At The Expense of Self
We all love, show love and support the ones closest to us differently. Understanding these differences will help us become better friends, lovers, and overall people. I think we tend to emphasize understanding love languages in romantic relationships more than we do in platonic ones. It’s a shame because these love languages transcend the specificity of relationship type and are more so connected to an individual’s spirit. What makes you feel seen, secure, and safe should be validated regardless of the relationship. Whoever you are willing to call a friend should be open to constantly learning how to be a better friend to you and vice versa. It is a constant journey of being vulnerable and ready to learn what that person wants rather than what you think they want or genuinely want for them.
Honestly, it can be difficult to accurately identify what your friends need from you and prevent the projection of the type of love you want from a friendship instead. The best place to start when you find yourself unsure of what your friends require is by asking questions. Sometimes we’ll feel pressure to know our friends inside and out… of course, you know a lot but it is impossible to know everything about anything or anyone. We are constantly evolving, growing, and changing… What might be important to someone today could be completely different in a month, year, or years from now. So, the point is to ask questions! It could simply be how can I be a better friend to you? Through asking this, you’ll gain a better understanding of where your friend is and how to move forward. Communicating and internalizing the new information without being defensive is key.
In a perfect world, we would just ask our friends their love languages and be able to give/receive effortlessly. Unfortunately, that isn't how things work… Growing out of certain relationships/dynamics happen naturally and there is not much you can do about it. Sometimes, you might just come to the realization that a particular friend causes more harm than good in your life. Depending on how well the dilemma is communicated on both sides, that will dictate whether the friendship could and should be salvaged. Earlier, I mentioned a lot about knowing what your friends require rather than projecting your own requirements. This in no way means to put all of your friends first but more so be aware of their feelings and needs. Personally, I have struggled with distinguishing the line between being a good friend and overextending myself to the point of mental and emotional fatigue. For example, feeling guilty for not being there for someone else when you haven’t even shown up for yourself. I found myself taking on the role of being the caretaker and over time learned that that is never your role as a friend. Anyone allowing you to be their “caretaker” has no regard for your own well-being and most likely does not have your best interest at heart.
The hardest part of failed friendships is deciding whether the relationship is worth recovering. That requires a lot of self-reflection, introspection, and honesty. It also requires you to weigh the loss in comparison to the gain. It is important to validate your own experiences and feelings… put yourself first. Letting someone go does not have to be negative because we are allowed to love and support people from a distance when necessary. Some people we encounter are meant for seasons rather than lifetimes and that’s okay. You deserve relationships that bring you joy, little to no drama and a lot of positive memories. Don’t feel bad about putting yourself first and cutting ties with individuals that no longer align with your path. A lot of the time, we have to let go in order to make room for more people or opportunities that are meant for us.
I want to end this post by saying that you are worthy of healthy and loving relationships. If you feel like friendships/relationships never work well for you, it's important to look deeply into the individuals you are choosing. Remind yourself to set boundaries! Being a good friend does not mean you should endure any form of mistreatment from friends. Stay true to yourself and don't feel guilty for doing what feels best for you.
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Love,
Black Woman Empowered
