Being a Black Woman with Standards and Ambitions: A Perspective On Love + Dating

I have definitely been thinking about this topic for a while… I feel like my generation is very obsessed with the idea of having a significant other and being involved with someone. I mean I get it… it’s normal to romanticize companionship––but the goal is healthy and soul-serving companionship. Personally, I am definitely one of those people that, from a young age, dreamed about their wedding day, raising a family, and being in such a wholesome relationship that literally only death could keep us away from each other. Very corny and maybe even childish but it’s the truth. I soon caught on that this is not a very quick process for some people; usually,  there is a lot of trial and error that goes into finding your romantic soulmate... More work than I want to invest currently and to be honest the  “search” or “wait” is kind of exhausting. I think you all might have an idea of what I am about to get into with this post… it’s a little different, personal but very raw and honest. I want to discuss the barriers to finding a wholesome relationship in this day in age, specifically from the perspective of a Black Woman with standards, ambitions, and an absolutely no-nonsense policy––of course my experience is very unique to me but it may resonate with you so keep that in mind. 

1.Colorism

One very real barrier that I and tons of other Black women have to face is colorism. Unfortunately, we live in a world where beauty standards and desirability politics are all rooted in whiteness and eurocentrism. Whether you believe it or not, a lot of times Black women have to wonder if the person they deem attractive would ever even date someone that looked like them… this reality is even more intense for darker-toned women. Imagine not being accepted by people that do not look like you but then also being rejected by people that look just like you. Colorism works in a multifaceted way. It prevents individuals from seeking you out as a romantic partner, but can also cause them to attribute certain stereotypes to your personhood based on what you look like. The latter is what puts Black women, specifically darker-skinned black women, at higher risks of being assaulted, and even mistreated within the relationships where they are “desired”.  I have accepted the fact that there are many spaces where my beauty, intelligence, personality, etc. will be overlooked just because of my complexion… 

I read this article titled 3 Reasons Dating, Attraction and Desire Are Always Political by Hari Ziyad. In the article, they described desirability politics as the ideal that desire is political–both affected by and simultaneously shaping systems of power and oppression. They went even further to say that preference is not completely innate… a lot of what we seek in terms of partnerships or even sexual endeavors are shaped by the world we live in. If our world is heavily bent on eurocentrism in 2021––which it is––essentially, that is what shapes a lot of our dating preferences. These preferences almost always leave Black Women out of the conversation or cause our very existence to be hypersexualized and undervalued.

2. Understanding your worth 

I have noticed that knowing your value as a Black Woman shocks a lot of people and even intimidates them. Everyone is entitled to having standards but for some reason when Black Women express their own, there is a sense of “you don’t deserve that”. The idea of Black Women deserve less, especially within relationships, is perfectly displayed in Black entertainment, especially movies. There are very limited movies that allow Black Women to have a happy ending without going through some sort of traumatic event. That narrative only perpetuates the idea the Black Women were made to endure pain and suffering. Social media paints a very vivid picture of how Black Women are treated in relationships. Black Women are expected to accept a “love” that is adulterous, unhappy, and manipulative just to preserve a marriage or family unit. Love is not pain but a lot of Black Women have conditioned to internalize that. I’ve experienced people tell me that I expect/want too much out of a partner when in reality it’s just the bare minimum.  Seeking what you can provide/reciprocate is only too much to individuals that are unwilling or lack the ability to provide it.  Apparently, my blackness does not afford me the right to have standards so I should just accept whatever comes my way… yeah right. Never settle or compromise what you know you deserve. 

3. Being genuine and practicing self-love 

I don't believe you can know love without loving the most important person in your life… you! When you are patient with yourself, listen to yourself and really get to know you, you are far less likely to deal with nonsense. You start to recognize the individuals that are a waste of time and energy with haste. Essentially, you develop intolerance towards anything that is not serving your spirit. Unfortunately, our world is filled with people that are focused on either deterring you from your path, using you for personal gain, or are unsure of themselves and attempt to drain your energy. Once you start practicing self-love, you will not invite placeholders into your life for any reason…  At first, it feels a little lonely because you are rejecting all the people that will do nothing but harm you. Just remember that you are making room for an abundance of love and happiness… I considered this point a “barrier” just because being very selective with who you allow into your space will leave you out of the loop. But, the loop is not necessarily something you want to be in because there is a lot of bad intention, pain and suffering there… choose quality over quantity always. Choose your peace, happiness and state of mind over the circumstances/people you are tempted to settle for. 

I just want to say please don’t let what you see on social media dictate the type of love you would like to receive or the type of love you deserve. Be the author of your own romance novel and don’t compare your timing to anyone else’s. The best things in life take their time getting to you so be patient and remain full of love and light! 

Thanks for reading y’all 

Stay safe + empowered, 

BWE