Today’s topic has really been weighing on me for a while now… absolutely no pun intended. It's summertime. I don't know about everyone else but I always look forward to summer because there's more time for me to focus on just me. No exams, lectures, or school-induced anxiety… I finally can hold space for myself in a capacity that I have not been able to for the past few months. I have taken the first few weeks of summer to really reflect and jot down some goals of mine. One major goal was to lose some of the weight that I have gained over the past few months. This goal sounds good and would feel even better if I worked towards it but honestly, I haven't… I go through this cycle of reminding myself that it's summer, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking “damn, I really need to work out”, and comparing my current body to my body last summer when I lost over 20 pounds. It’s honestly a vicious and self-deprecating cycle and I realized that this mentality isn’t doing anything but abusing me emotionally. 

So, I started to think more deeply about my weight gain, how I felt about it, and my body in general. My first question was why do I even want to lose weight in the first place?. My response was geared towards wanting a specific type of body which was definitely a red flag. Using body types as motivation is definitely okay but beating yourself up for not looking a certain way is just ugly. I then realized that I have never fully accepted my body for what it is at any point in my life. I have always aspired to look a certain way rather than maintain healthier eating habits and a consistent workout routine. I tend to find value in what I look like rather than what I feel like. I identified this common trend as one reason why my weight loss journeys are never permanent or consistent.  

I have struggled with my weight fluctuating since middle school. I would go into periods of not being conscious of what I was eating and then shifting to being overly critical. There has never been any real balance and my body is not sure how to keep up. I also noticed that a big portion of the why was less about me but more about how I would be received by others. It’s interesting because I like to pride myself on being someone that is not too worried about what other people have to say about me––appearance-wise. However, I constantly desire a body type that has the stamp of approval by society. Over time, I have associated my worth and ability to be desired with my weight/body type. This was my aha moment… Do I really want to lose weight for my own well-being? Or did I want to be easily accepted and “loved” by those around me because of what I looked like? What confirmed this for me was that I literally would try to hide my fat from past romantic partners as if seeing a roll or two would make me any less attractive… I had to be honest with myself. As much as I try to actively fight against the “status quo” and social “norms”, I still have a lot of internal work to do. This then led me to this about fatness, fatphobia, and body dysmorphia

In retrospect, I noticed that I also have used fatphobic rhetoric when speaking about myself––sidenote: just because you are saying mean things to yourself does not disguise the fact that it still hurts and promotes harm against a vast community of people even if unintentional. For example, I picked up this weird habit of calling myself a “biggie” anytime I would reference enjoying food. First of all, I can admit that I have gained weight but I hold the privilege of not necessarily being called out for it. Because of my frame and stature, I am not the poster girl for fatness or even being plus-sized and it's unfair of me to claim that position even as a joke. Also, I know we used to think it was funny or cute to associate overeating or enjoying food with being bigger in size but let's be real. You can be a size 4 and overeat/ enjoy meals and you could be a size 22 eating healthier well-rounded meals. Specific eating habits correlating with a body size are not mutually exclusive so let’s stop pushing that narrative. 

So at this point, I thought about how we live in a society that was built on denouncing fatness and this is what laid the framework for my insecurities… I literally had to have a mini talk with myself and start my journey of unlearning fatphobia. Calling yourself “fat” when you put on a few pounds is not healthy and why is anything associated with fatness deemed negative? I read a powerful article by Da’Shaun Harrison titled Desirability: Do You Really Love Fat People When You Can’t Even See Us Beyond The Political? He discusses how people rarely love fat bodies but rather fetishize them or engage in politicizing them. Harrison goes into detail about how people tend to love fat people in spite of their fatness rather than loving them for their fatness. Another interesting point that he dives into is the fact that you can be driven to dismantle all forms of structural violence and fight for equity but still see fat people as less than. Your true feelings towards fatness are explicitly expressed through romantic/platonic preferences and how you speak about fatness––even if it's alone to yourself. 

I just want to say that this post was really just me regurgitating a few reflections that I put together within the past few weeks. I want to clear up a few things before I officially end this post. 

1. In no way am I saying that admiring body types are unhealthy or fatphobic. I just learned that for me personally, that was an unhealthy habit. I focused more on looking a certain way to gain societal approval rather than putting an emphasis on improving my health. 

2. In this post, I was able to identify a way that I was not only harming myself but a community of people that I call myself committed to protecting. Acknowledging this now is all a part of my growth journey… In order to unlearn, I have to be proactive in rectifying my wrongs. 

3. I really wasn’t just chatting here y’all. It is so important for us to come to terms with our deepest darkest thoughts and insecurities because they will come to the light eventually. To be better is to do better. 

Thank you for reading and please be mindful of the ways in which you might promote fatphobia. Uplift fat people, normalize fatness, and literally just love unconditionally.

Stay safe and empowered.

Love, 

BWE