I definitely do not want to remind myself or you guys of the time we have spent apart. It has been way too long and while I was gone I thought of y’all the entire time. So, what captured my attention for the past few months you ask? Just a course from HELL… Honestly, this semester has been so intense that I have very limited moments of clarity. I find it very difficult to write, focus and do the work I am so passionate about in a chaotic state of mind. It is super interesting because I thought I have mastered stress relief techniques but this semester is showing me that stress relief, developing inner peace, and having the ability to center yourself are all works in progress. Every day we are working towards bettering our ability to tackle life’s challenges… so don’t beat yourself up if this week is harder to tackle than the week before. 

Lately, I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation to do the things I enjoy doing and the things I absolutely have to do… I feel overwhelmed without even starting any work and this makes me dread starting most days. I found myself getting upset and fed up with myself… I even called myself lazy because this is just not me. Normally, if I have work to do I don’t really think much about it and get right into the zone. I am not a last-minute type of person… I approach every task, assignment, etc. as if it is time-sensitive. I’ve found it hard to be as ahead of the game as I am used to so it’s definitely frustrating. With all this being said, I realized that I was and still am experiencing burnout. Burnout is defined as a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands. A lot of us experience burnout and don’t even realize it… Especially during this pandemic, we are expected to produce without breaks just because we have “more” time at home. There is no separation between home-life, work, and school anymore and it's honestly exhausting. I just want to say that it is okay to be tired… you deserve to rest and to be understood. As hard as it is, try to be kind to yourself because you work hard and deserve a space to just exist.

Personally, I do this thing where I overwork myself in every aspect of my life just to make sure I am doing enough… I don’t ever want anyone to say that I didn’t do my part or my very best so I will take on projects, roles, and positions that cause more stress and chaos just to be enough. Where does this come from? Why do I put myself in such arduous situations just to prove myself?? I realized that ever since I was a little girl I knew that any space I occupied I could never just exist there I needed to show that I not only deserved to be there but I added something of value. I did not realize how debilitating that could be for me as a young Black woman… of course, I want to do my best in every space I am in. I want my work to be impactful and actually mean something to everyone I encounter. But, to essentially feel like you have to do the most all the time just to be seen as worthy, valuable, and respected is harmful. Overworking yourself is harmful. I am working on being kinder to myself and allowing myself to do what’s best for me. 

For months, I have been working with minimal breaks and this month I decided to do something for myself… I went to Miss Rizos in Washington Heights and… drum-roll please… did a big chop! This is something I have been talking about for a while but never got around to actually doing it. I was drowning in my studies and decided to just book the appointment without even researching the establishment. I definitely don’t recommend doing that because you want to feel secure in your decision. I immediately started feeling really anxious after I booked because I wasn’t sure if they knew how to deal with/properly take care of my hair texture. Texturism is real y’all and it would suck to go to a natural hair salon just for them not to know how to deal with my 4c coils. Fortunately, I was greeted warmly by all the women that worked there. The cut went smoothly and actually a little too perfect… I even bought a cute silk pink bonnet. I not only had the best experience at Miss Rizos but I feel so beautiful in my new short hairdo! Maybe in the next post, I’ll talk a little more about hair, texturism and its connection to desirability politics and self-esteem so look out for that. 

I do want to end this by saying please take care of yourself! Do what makes your soul smile and reject everything that doesn’t. You deserve happiness and clarity right in this moment so try your best to make room for it. I am constantly learning new ways to center myself and unlearning the psychological abuse this world has handed down to me. We are working through this time together! 

As always y’all, thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings. I’ll try my best not to stray too far from y’all! Let me know what is new with you in the comments. 

Stay safe + empowered, 

BWE